temptationtest

That could take a while, I'm not the person I was 20 years ago, hell I'm not even the person I was 10 years ago, but then who is? Had you asked me 20 years ago where I would be and what would I be doing now at my present age, I would have a residency at some hot new club in NYC, a nice loft somewhere in midtown, I'd be happily in a poly relationship with a brilliant, motivated, great dancer who had her own career, goals and dreams and her own pet to keep her occupied, whether it were a man or a woman really wasn't and still isn't an issue, so long as they can keep her occupied and happy when I was either out on tour or putting my proverbial "Needle" to the grindstone and working hard to come up with new material to send crashing across dancefloors and stimulating heartbeats while driving crowds to dance like no one is watching, so long as they don't cause discord into our home and family or willfully create rifts and suspicions where none have any right to be I'm happy to share her with them, sometimes metaphorically sometimes physically, most often emotionally depending on our moods and desires or needs. She would have to be as secure in her own skin as I am in mine, be sure as the day is long that I chose her, I didn't settle for her and know that she would be the first person to know if I had any inclination to end our happy arrangement and even if it cost me everything I would never do anything to intentionally hurt or deceive her, and that while I would probably forever find distractions, 99.999% of the time those pets are exactly that, distractions, all fulfill a need, which well may be only physical desire, others it's their minds I find so fascinating and desire to better grasp the workings that I find so intriguing. But most often, it's simply the thought of being alone in that bed again in some strange city, or state, or country when someone who checks off every proviso on my list is sometimes half a planet away and I simply need a bit of physical contact to get through the worst nights. Other nights it might be that sexy woman who spent half the night dancing in front of the DJ Booth, smiling up at me and driving me insane with how amazing a dancer she was and how she just radiated pure sexuality, hey fuck it, I'm human. At least I'm honest enough to admit that other women can and do turn me on from time to time.however don't for a second imagine she wasn't in step with me in that regard when we were together, she would have, and has gone out and found the particular girl and spent half the night with her explaining the less conventional aspects of our relationship, the fact the we both found her attractive and would very much like to take her home with us tonight and perhaps tomorrow, perhaps later we can figure out together exactly where she might like and where we might like her to fit in, it's happened with a few couples as well, so please don't label me an inconsiderate pig without all the facts.if nothing else I'm consistent and honest, better than most can say. This is exactly the same reason that while I may ask her if she has found a new playmate to occupy her alone time while I can't be there, I'm never hurt or angry when she tells me that she has, when I ask about them it was because I genuinely wanted to know about them and how they caught her attention..When I did make it home, our first night and day together was ours and ours alone, all pets must go play elsewhere, after that, they were welcome to share our bed and our passions, their sex didn't matter, what mattered is they fulfilled a need or desire for one of us. I might have no interest in physical contact with another man sexually, but I'm perfectly capable of working together with one to fulfill her desires, it's simply that I'm not bisexual like her. It's fine with me if they are, that won't change my feelings though, if it could have it would have by now. Putting feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken, to quote one of my all time favorite movies. Simply for it's rampant weirdness. What truly matters to me isn't the scene, the job, the road, the partying, the music matters to me, but lets face it, I'm a DJ NOT Chopin, so I don't take it that seriously. It's provided a very good life for me, hell in the beginning when I was making $300 a night after years of spinning at friends parties for free I was Big Pimping, but that was the early 90's and $300 was good money to be making a night. Hell my mom was a corporate manager with Carrier AC. and I made more a night that she did a week. Me a 9th grade drop out, her a Ivy League College graduate, sadly as my experience and reputation grew I was soon making more a night than she and her husband would in a month, then somehow at the turn of the 21st century I was making money like I never dreamed, to the tune of around $8 - $10k a night, and boy was I good at spending it. I'm not a big collector of things, I don't have multiple houses, nor tons of cars, don't wear much jewelry, I do like to dress nice, I spoil the hell out of my dogs, always have, always will. Before mom went into the corporate world, she learned astrology from a very respected man, and she never lost her interest in the metaphysical. I could see her burning out when i would make it back to Orlando so I planned out a mission, I was going to get her to open a Metaphysical Bookstore, not, it will never make "Retire like a King (or Queen in her case)' money, but it could be a good living especially if she started doing charts again. I know astrologers who do 10 to 30 charts a week, to the tune or $300 a chart. So for the next decade I searched out obscure occult bookstores everywhere I went. I bought all the curious, rare, brilliant, or even the incredibly intriguing. The controversial, the misunderstood, the epic. So long as it related in some way to the metaphysical, I got them. I also picked up all kinds of crystals and semi precious gems, hell I even got her a set of 5 chakra tuned, crystal "singing" meditation Bowls. I would get home after a month or 2 on the road and find 10 or 20 boxes or all different weights and sizes. Finally when I had filled up my guest room with the Mom Stuff, we rented a truck, loaded it up and headed down to Orlando to find her a storefront, or she could just take possession of all the accumulated "stock" I had amassed and find another home for it. Turns out she Loved the Idea, so for once I did something that mom was excited about, I was happy. My Pet at the time and I stayed in town for a while to help her get the store on t's feet. We would both take shifts, order things that was needed, slip cash into the drawer and cycle around some stuff until she had enough loyal customers, and decent reputation so the store started paying for itself and even generation a little revenue. I figured that was the perfect time to go back to work, I was starting to go crazy being stuck in the same place all the time again, so I was desperately ready when my label called about a European festival tour. I left my pet with means to return to the City if she wanted to, or she could stay with mom as long as she wanted, by this point they were thick as thieves. She also knew she Always had a standing invitation to come wherever I was working, whenever she wanted. She rarely did, plus us being as alike as we were, we always managed to let our amorous natures to go a little wild when we were far from home and we tended to exhaust ourselves playing with whomever had caught our interest at any given point in time. We would train and keep them for a while the grow bored and find new ones, Did I mention that I'm a Ds and Kate was a switch? I suppose the whole pet thing would have made more sense put into the correct context. I also mentioned that I wasn't really a collector of anything except vinyl and production related things, drum machines, synthesizers, turntables and later digital turntables, mixing boards, I built my own computers which could run the various production software that came out that "I just had to have". I kept a couple cars stored at mom's house, by the late 90's she had moved to a horse ranch in a city called Saint Cloud, just south of Orlando. So I invested in a few Arabians (mom's favorite breed of horse) having zero idea how much these animals cost to feed and care for. I could do nice things for my mom, so I did, it's really simple. I made her life a living hell till I moved out at 13, I destroyed relationships for her, I had my reasons but they could never trump her need for a stable family nor Christopher's need for a father, you would think I would have been more considerate of that considering mine was little more than a sperm doner from a good Sicilian family, but sadly not worthy of the name he was born with, I gave her so much grief I'm still ashamed of the lengths I went to just seed chaos in her life. I've spent half my life trying to make it up to her, she didn't deserve any of the shit I put her through. Thing is, no matter how hard i pushed or how bad I acted, she always forgave me. To this day, again and again I forgive those least worthy of the act because of her example. Holding a grudge and refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the person who wronged you to suffer, it doesn't work. They didn't give a shit then and most likely, they still don't, so forgive them, let it go and get on with your life undistracted by the inconsiderate actions of those not worth even thinking about, move on. I didn't buy houses or investment portfolio's, mostly because I didn't and still don't trust bankers or brokers. I did buy a really nice RV for when I toured around the US and Canada, which, ironically, is still sitting in the back pasture with only 36,000 original miles on it. I gutted everything from the kitchen to the drivers and passenger seats in the front to make room for sound and lighting equipment. I left the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom as is. Other than being a bit faded and dirty it is in much the same shape, so funny. You would think someone with a 136 IQ would have pieced together that when you spend money almost as fast as you make it you won't have a lot left over when your run ends. But I had plans, and like all plans we foolish humans make, boy did the God's laugh. I was going to follow in the footsteps of the man who had opened the world to me, Peter Gatian. He took me in when I was a mediocre DJ with a few good gigs, but still couch surfing around Orlando, brought me back to NYC and over the next few years gave me the skills, self assurance and connections to put me on, what I have to admit, even with all the up's and down's, chaos, drugs and addiction(s), hedonism and separation from "reality" and this tiny bubble of Ravers, promoters, Label's and roadies that I existed in for almost 28 years, was FUCKING EPIC!!!! I was going to have nightclub's all over, when one because too much hassle to run in absentia I'd sell it for millions like Peter did with the Limelight's in Miami, Atlanta, Chicago, London, etc., but unlike him, mostly because I watched as some lying dealing, murdering POS's blow up their own s and try to shorten their sentences by claiming Peter was a Drug Kingpin! What a load of SHIT, the man was a mad, one eyed (just like Odin) genius, he worked 18 to 20 hours a day running 5 of the biggest Nightclub's New York City had ever seen, before or since! He had no time for running drugs, and why would he have to? Those clubs were like a license to print money, he would see 20 - $50,000 a night from the smallest of them, up to $250,000 from the larger ones. but by the time the Fed's were done and he had beaten their case based on utter and frankly ludicrous lies, he had sold all his clubs except Limelight just to cover his legal bills, so he started working to get it open again, I even came back to help in any way I could but the Fed's weren't done with him, once they lost the criminal case they sent in the IRS's forensic accountants to burrow through decades of honest business to find some way to fuck him out of his sole remaining venue which could rebuild his Empire again, just like it had the first time. No, it was the fact that bathroom attendants were independent contractors and he didn't take out taxes or social security on them along with a few other less important oversights, which all businesses make. He paid the penalties and back taxes, SSI and fines and tried to move on with life. Nope, not done yet, they deported him back to Canada, he had d here since the early 1970's, paid millions of dollars to the City, State and Federal Governments in those years. Owned homes, businesses, had a wife and kids, all born here in the US or A, he had made changes in S, for the better, he was a mentor, a father and dear friend, didn't mater he was out of here. They wouldn't, and still won't let him back, not for his kids graduations from High School or College, not for Weddings or Funeral's, for no reason is he allowed to cross that border. I've opened 3 nightclubs in the last 10 years, all of them were popular enough that I should have been able to purchase my own piece of industrial property and stop renting out other peoples buildings but again and again they get shut down, noise concordances, general nuisance complaints, and fuckinRUGS, i get them out of my life once and for all about 10 years ago and they are still burninown what I try and build, don't let anyone tell you that you can keep the drugs out of a club, you can't. You can fill it with off duty police as security and doormen (and I've tried), the drugs will still find a way, OD's will happen. Longer you last, the more that will happen, eventually the powers that be will simple come to lee you less as an asset to the community but as a corrupter of morals and a marketplace for illicit chemicals. It doesn't matter if their is any truth to it or not, regardless of how many ways you have tried to protect your patrons and establishment as well as your community, they will see you as a liability and find a way to shut you down.

So here we are, closing on the year 2020, fast, so where am I now? What has changed, what remains the same? Everything and nothing is the short and correct answer. Mom is now in her 70's, one too many falls from those horses and a few car accidents and her back is so devastated that she is permanently disabled. Her Husband's first love is and always will me his job, he is a managing partner now and is making crazy money (not crazy like I've seen but crazy for him. Like almost a million dollars in bonuses alone over a 4 year span.) Much like my friend and mentor, he works between 18 and 20 hours a day. Even if he's home, he's still working, the acreage was completely overgrown and the horses (Please, any God listening and willing to answer, please tell me! Why do 2 people, one who couldn't ride a horse to save his life and a woman, who, although once she was one of the best riders I have ever seen, can't ever climb onto a horse again. Much less, feed, groom, clean the stalls after and keep them thinking that they have, and are doing a "JOB", horses and dogs NEED to think that they have a purpose, if not they become neurotic and attitudinal. And as if one of these yard ornaments (sorry being honest here) weren't enough they have to have 3 of them) I lost interest in horses the day I got my first dirt-bike, it always did exactly what I told it to, I didn't have to up it's shit nor feed it twice a day, nor did it cost almost 400$ a week just to feed! The barn was ready to collapse in on itself from lack of maintenance, they had maybe 1 of what was once 16 acres or pastures, now down to 6 to graze on. But I have taken back almost 3 of those acres for them to graze, soon I'll take the other 3 back from the far side of the creek... The house had so many issues it would take a day just to type them all, from pipes bursting in walls to walls splitting at the mortar because additions settled at a different rate. I've come back home, for the first time since I was 13 to try and get this place back in order, I've given 7 years already and I still have as much to do as I have gotten done. However my best friend, and most loyal supporter (My German Shepherd Freya) and I have never had an ounce of quit in us, and to be honest this place is worth it. We are doing a huge addition to the house, almost doubling the square footage in one fell sweep. To the tune of 160 some thousand dollars, out of her husband's pocket, of course. However her argument to keep me around is valid, point a, they need me. Way more than I need them, which for some strange reason makes all the difference in the world to me, they even offered to subdivide the property and put a brand new double wide on it, or build an apartment over the 6 car garage he's putting in next year, I'm gonna have to think on that..... The property values around here just keep going up as more orange groves and cow pastures are turned into subdivisions, what started at $6000 an acre is now at $72,000 an acre standing offer to all of us acreage holders from the developers, mostly because we came out here to escape the congestion and lack of privacy of the city to have the city encroach upon our sanctuary from that chaos. So we all hold out and refuse to sell, most of the neighbors are my parent's age, so they are in no hurry to go anywhere. Point, B, all of this is being left to me, so it's kind of my responsibility. Yea, that's mom playing her best card, guilt. But the point is valid. Point C, they are moving her husband's mother here to the house as soon as the renovation is done, she had a stroke and is wheelchair bound and can only use one arm and one leg As is, I spend all day Friday cooking 6 meals, full meals, so they can be packed up into individual servings and sent to her every week, mom would try but I've seen her after. Spends one day cooking and the next 2 in bed because she can't stand or walk. First of all I'm Sicilian, my family has been there since 1117 AD, Before my family and all the other Norman families got there and took southern Italy and Sicily back from the Byzantines and the Moore's we had been fighting the first Crusade, before that, somewhere in Denmark I suppose. Either way, I'm an amazing cook (not being egotistical here, a lot of my family owned restaurants and I cooked in most of them till I was old enough to work legally, and kept doing it while I waited for my DJ career to take off) I love cooking, maybe a little too much, lol. I take pride in it, so not only does my stepdad's mom eat well, so does my own and by proxy, her husband. Were I not here, I have no doubt he would on frozen pizza and other random junk food. It's funny how I spent all those years getting and staying as far away from here as I could possibly get, yet here I end up. Like my input really didn't matter, the plan was made and approved whether I liked it, fought it or simply accepted it. What I do know is my family always made the responsibility of being the First Born very clear to me, I was responsible for my parents in their old age. Although her husband still has a few good years left to him with his company, and they are sure to translate to 7+ figures onto his already considerable estate and the fact that we honestly never really cared that much for each other made a point of dragging out their will to point out that since he has no kids I'm the primary beneficiary of their estate. I suppose taking care of my mother and also his leaves him secure that I won't abandon him when he can no longer provide. No idea, I still have one brother left and whether he acknowledges her or not he has a Daughter, for the record she is amazing. A violinist, just graduated university on the deans list no less, smart, funny, and not bad looking. Considering her mother and father are nor were they ever "lookers", she won the genetic lottery and when he goes she will get a fair share of his estate, my last living brother will as well. I didn't come here a pauper and if I left today, I wouldn't leave one. I wasn't great with money but I would have to be a complete idiot to have made as much as I did and have nothing to show for it. Besides, it still affords me a bit of leverage when they begin to take me for granted. Ok, well it's time to go feed the horses and take out the dogs, I hope you enjoyed the window into my life, pointless as this exercise way, it did amuse me on a sleepless night.

Salve;
Philip

P.S.
Reading back, I suppose I did leave out one major part of my life in this long winded, abbreviated telling of my life, experiences, victories, failures, things I've gained and things I've lost along the way. For more than 20 years of my life my first Pet was always there, if not by my side always in my heart and thoughts, Kate. We left New York for good around 1999, we stayed in a lot of places after leaving, none had the unique character and ambiance of NYC, truth be told, no place does. However, as great and fun as that city can be I must admit to a serious love hate relationship with it. Most who either still in it, or once did, if they are honest, will admit much the same thing. Kate and I decided that New Orleans would be our "New" City, we found a nice little shotgun house just inside the 7th Ward, just 5 minutes walking from the French Quarter. The price was right and we loved New Orleans, for a decade, whenever we were physically able we came down for Mardi Gras and Halloween, the city, for all it's bad points is simply unique to America. It's a in a way most cities have never and will never be. It is rich in history and culture, great food, good people (mostly, but hey this is a world populated by human beings, there are always bad mixed in with the good) a real sense of community. Tons or opportunities for someone with drive, ambition, a little bit of hustle and the courage to take chances. But most importantly someone who has enough sense to never take themselves or life too seriously, sorry but none of us are getting out of this life a. So if you can take your joy where you find it, care willing to offer a leg up and not a hand out, are willing to embody the change you see your city needs, there is a place for you there. Kate and I were in our element, we thrived on the equal parts party and work your ass off type of world it is there. Not quite cosmopolitan, not quite country, just a mix of so many cultures and traditions that simply aren't allowed to die there. We made a good life and wonderful home there, maybe too good because when my mom managed to convince me to come back here Kate wasn't willing to let the wonderful niche we had carved out for ourselves there go. As much as it broke my heart, I understood. I asked her for my collar back, she adamantly refused. In the time we were together we had dozens of men and woman we had been in some type of relationships with. Some came as individuals, others as couples, they just found their way into our guarded little family, some for better others far, far worse. We just got each other from day one, we didn't grasp the whole possessive thing, we didn't get jealous over who or how much time we spent with others. When we were alone together, there was no one else in the world that mattered. We didn't buy into the serial monogamy thing in any way shape or fashion. We enjoyed each others kinks, our bed was always open to new partners, I'm proud to say that in all our years together NEVER did any of our, shall we say playmates?, ever cause the slightest shiver in the foundation of our relationship. I have always, and will always make all the decisions regarding which direction I will take with my life, you can get on board, get out the way or get run the fuck over, period. That said, not once did I make a major decision without weighing in her feelings, concerns and opinions before I made a decision one way or the other, even when, as couldn't help but arise, situations where my decision was 180 degrees away from what she was hoping. I did always offer her an out, I would burn down heaven and flood hell before I would hurt that woman but sometimes unpopular choices have to be made for the right reasons. Somehow she always knew and stood by my choices, never saying "I told you so" when, on occasion, things did go to shit because I hadn't considered all the consequences of on a large enough scale to matter. And yes, I do make these leap first, look later decisions on occasion, I'm a Leo and I have spent a lifetime doing and making things happen that everyone told me I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of pulling off.My failures are the fire that tempered my soul. Regardless, we split up, she hated my stepdad, hated Florida, had zero interest in being anywhere other than the home and life we built together. She is convinced that I'll be back and when I do she'll put back on her collar. In one way it makes me happy, but mostly it makes me sad because she is betting to much on a yakuza (not the Japanese gangsters, although it is where they got their name from, it's a loosing hand at a card game in Japan), a Fugazi, if you will, something that isn't real. My feelings for her are, but the reality of my moving back to New Orleans and us picking up where we left off. I wish she would find herself something real, she is way too fucking amazing to spent a day longer playing around with distractions rather than finding someone to become her other half. I don't believe we have only one soul mate, maybe we were but too much has changed. I came back up after Katrina and could barely recognize most of the city, it doesn't feel like home anymore. Another heartbreaking reality, sadly neither does Florida, but I have responsibilities I have to fulfill before I can put this place in the rear view. So for now, I'm writing a novel, from everyone who has read it, seems it's pretty good. It's a lot of history weaved in with the current climate of the world with just enough fantasy from my genetic heritage to make for a story that keeps my interest enough to devote a few hours every night to writing. No telling when I'll finish it at that rate, but I know I eventually will. Ok, that's all for now. If any of you manage to persevere through this long winded recounting of my low's and high's in this life I was gifted with thus far and find yourself feeling sorry for me. All I can say is, you missed the point. I've crammed enough experiences into my 48 years that most people could have 3 lifetimes and still fall short of the things I've seen and done. Being a Buddhist has given me a lot of perspective, I'm grateful for the good and the bad, all the times I fell flat on my face and had to drag myself back to my feet again when every negative emotion screamed "What's the point?!!", the point is the day I let life knock me down and don't get back up on my feet I'll have managed to secure my first defeat in this blessed life. If I have a single regret in life, it's having never taken the time to have any children. I was just sure that my life, wonderful and fulfilling as it has been thus far never seemed like an ideal place to raise a child. Now I sit here, 48, all my experiences and knowledge so painfully earned through experience, of both success and failures, and no one to pass it on to. I'm glad I come from a large family, so I don't have to feel responsible for bringing such an old family line to it's end. I lost my youngest brother at 23, my middle brother is married but his wife can't have kids. So our branch of our family tree dies with us, but then again every day I have left is an opportunity to change that, so while if I were a woman having a child at my age would be foolhardy, assuming I do find someone I am compatible with and if she is still young enough to safely have a rugrat or two maybe I might erase that regret from my life. It would also make my mother the happiest woman on Earth. I know the man I am today could be a great father, whether or not that will ever happen, only the God's know. So far, they've told me fuckall, bwa ha ha. Love ya all, thank you for taking the time to get to know me, feel free to reach out, I'll always make time to reply..

Ciao,
Philip